So, the new cool “blog” thing is to make “lists”. They can be lists of what you ate, how many fat chicks you slept with, or what the BEST PROBLEMS IN THE COUNTRY ARE BY GRADE (as determined by a grading system that quantifies aesthetics. NEAT). In keeping with the times in a new attempt for myself to appear more “hip” (I think hipsters also like to use “quotations” in blogs to appear more “sarcastic”), I compiled a list of the most overhyped pieces of grumpy in the country.Enjoy and give me unadulterated feedback. No order here, just whatever the beers provided insight.
Midnight Lightning: Also most attempted. While historic and undoubtedly required tick for the aspiring bouldering boulderer, this glassy line sports glue, broken holds, and a bit of a crowd. Oh, and pseudo-experts lined up at the base with their cry holes spewing beta gleaned from “when I spotted Lisa, who says its definitely V9″. And its still noteworthy to climb this thing and be a girl. This also makes it lame.
The Egg (the ones at Bradley, Squamish, the Gunks, but not Hueco cuz that one is kick ass): First of all, COME UP WITH A NEW NAME! As for the one at Squamish, most people can top this little guy out with a running leap. Just because Sharma climbed it does not mean it is really the cat’s pajamas. Bradley’s “Egg” sucks because it goes sideways. GHEY. And avoids obvious holds. GHEY.
The Marble/Aslan/Centaur/Marble SDS: Choss. Choss. Followed up with more choss. Start here. No, on second thought, grab these slippery crumbly crimps instead. Oh, but wait, Dave started here. You want “full value” don’t you? Top out here, but for full credit go right instead of straight or left. PEOPLE ACTUALLY WAIT IN A QUEUE FOR THIS!!!! Something of an initiation for people psyched to boulder in the “park” and be “core” in the “summer”, but you are better off training at CATS or the Spot.
Right Martini: Ok, the hueco aficionados will crucify me for this designation, but…whatever. Eat me. Not four stars. All I’m sayin’. The moves are cool, but… YOU CLIMB SIDEWAYS! YOU DO MOVES THAT YOU CANT HAVE A PAD FOR CUZ YOU WILL DAB!!!!! And, you either topout absolute death choss or step off like a pimp. What a classic finish!
The Orb: You know why???? CUZ ITS MY LIST AND THIS PROBLEM SUCKS BALLS!!!!!! And it climbs sideways. And you can exit early for the respective grades of V1, V3, V5, or V9. Take your pick. But no the hallowed “ORB” goes THAT WAY!!! And the moves? *Yawn* Sloper, match. Repeat x3. Hump the topout. Southerners love to talk about how cool the holds are, but hell, I have seen absolutely KICK ASS holds on thirty degree slabs…
Dark Waters: After dodging traffic and negotiating an incredibly slippery dangerous slope traverse, you gain a really low cave with a wet landing and easily grop-able grips. Dark Waters links from an amazing glued flake 17 inches off the ground to the slippery crux of some weird problem Justin Jaeger did many moons back and would have forgotten about long ago had it not been for his oh-so-precious “logbook”.
Marrakesh (Gunks): What an effin pile. Climb sideways avoiding any good holds you might see, and topout arbitrarily when the feeling is “right”, like a freaking Extenze ad. This is my Trump Card. I win. My list rules.
Gran Torino: Wait, my new trump card. This problem was featured in pictures and in the video Uncommon Ground. WE GET IT PAWTUCKAWAY GUYS, FUNNY JOKE!!!! Turns out, this isn’t actually a boulder problem. My friend Jon got super psyched when he saw the media stuffs, and traveled to Pway with hopes of a fine ascent of what appeared to be a classic (albeit sideways) rock climb. FAIL. He took one look at the pile, began swearing profusely, and ended up traveling all the way to the Gunks to do Marrakesh instead. That’s really saying something.
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