It’s been a while since we have had some good old fashioned lists on this site. I am prepared, along with my colleague left handed hotdogs (or is it Ariana Huffingpost?), to drop you all a list of the WORST boulder problem names (in our completely biased opinions)
Overall (Nat’l level)
1. A Tale of Two Gabors, Hueco Tanks, TX.
This one takes the cake. It is nothing short of a terrible name. Naming a problem after yourself, is well, its like masturbating to yourself masturbating in a mirror. C’mon Son. A tale of two gabors? Im going to explain a little concept called a pun, which is what I am assuming this name was going for. Its only a pun and therefore remotely clever if the replaced word sounds similar to the original. In this case, we should be finding a word that rhymes with “city”. Here are some that could work: Shitty, Kitty, Pity, Witty. Notice I didn’t say “gabor”. Now, even if “gabor” rhymed with “city” (it never will, in any language; call my bluff, i cross referenced it) it would still be stupid. A tale of two gabors. I know I keep repeating it, and the point of this is to allow you the reader to have the name marinate in your own mind so you too can appreciate it as the worst of all time. The only thing that would make the name appropriate is if there was a pictograph of two male javelinas humping at the base of the problem. A tale of two gay boars.
2. King James. LRC, TN. Unfortunately the real King James was a man that throughout his life had close relationships with male courtiers, which has caused debate among historians about their nature. NICE one son!! Buncha gay boars. Like his successor said in his recent movie debut, “even if I stutter I will still sh sh shit on you”.
3. Anything involving “el” (with the exception of the OG, the El Murrays). This includes the El Ronnie’s, The El Yuri’s, and the El Furry’s. Look, the El Murray’s aren’t the original names ok? This means that they were down as a TRIBUTE to one of bouldering’s best, Bob Murray. If you haven’t heard the name, do yourself a favor: unclip your chalkbag from your harness, take your socks out of your climbing shoes AND STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMN GUMBY. Seriously. I don’t care how many V13′s you can repeat if you don’t know a little HISTORY (in rust, more on that later). But this diatribe isn’t about a buncha disrespect, its about some bad boulder problem names. And to tie in, its a tad disrespectful to pinch a tribute name to honor either yourself or some choss heap in the middle of NOWHERE.
Honorable mention: Ambrosia. The reason it doesn’t make the list is because the presumably intended meaning is kinda cool: Nectar of the Gods. But Ambrosia is also the genus epithet for Ragweed (ooooh sick, I <3 ALLERGIES). Next boulder problem I name will be called Free Weezy, not because I like Little Wayne, but because I have bad asthma (ugh pass me the Albuterol on the top out). But wait, it gets better: Ambrosia, a dried milk powder for infants made by the Brits. I’d say “milk me” but I hate the feeling of those crooked teeth on my teets..
And since we are talking about Lil Wayne, wtf is up with these hip hop names established by weak sauce white kids. <3 it when the bourgeoisie try to establish some street cred with names like Ill Trill. TAKE.
Lastly, I thought I saw this last one in Entertainment Weekly as the running title for the Jersey Shore season 4: Hypnotized Minds.
And now for the local level :
Human After Y’all, Gunks: OOH A DAFT PUNK REFERENCE! NEAT!!! Did you figure out you weren’t actually a robot? Was it a career defining moment when you realized you were actually on planet earth and not out in the stratosphere where you keep pointing your fancy new telescope? One step closer to having all naming privileges revoked.
A Tender History in Rust, Gunks: For those not in the know, this name comes from a track off a Do Make Say Think album…Even this ALBUM has better names to choose from on it, like “executioner blues” (track 7). Call me ignorant or not hipster enough, or whatever…but this name makes NO SENSE. Allow me to dissect. First off all, the subject of the name: history. OK, fine. Now to pick an adjective to place in front of the subject, why in the hell would anyone choose “tender”?? How PRETENTIOUS. How can a history, or history as a whole, be “tender”? Delicate maybe, but tender? What the fuck is it like some choice prime rib??? And for the history to be in rust…ok, i can see it. Sure, as history moves forward, we would expect to see more rust. But what does rust have anything to do with one of the GREENEST walls in the Gunks????
Extra Bacon, Gunks: God Koots, you really suck at naming. You really do. But what I love about you and your names is that like the honey badger you honestly dont give a shit. In fact, you pride yourself on names that make the rest of us groan. Unlike all the rest of the terrible names we mention, none of yours are taken seriously. And I love that. Oh god, it sounds too much like I’m actually giving you props. Forget what I said, and just re-read the first two sentences.
Prince Paul, Farley: This sucks. OOOH i dont want to offend the guy who found this rig by stealing his PRJ, so I’ll name it in HONOR of him. Yeah, that’ll work. Too bad the guy gets made fun of bad enough as it is, now we have more fuel by pointing out some lame name in his honor. Plus everything he sends gets downgraded, like he is a girl out west or something. Embarrassing…
Up next will be a list of BEST boulder problem names, just so y’all dont think of us as complete haterz…Read More