The Abyss: A Review

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

 

VERSUS

 

Recently, we here at Bass For Your Face got the chance to review the new Louder Than Eleven movie, “The Abyss,” LT11′s first foray in to real movie making. Excited to have received a “press kit” in an email from LT11 regarding their new movie, we quickly were extremely disappointed. The promo photos for the movie were all of rock climbing and there was not a single submarine, machine gun, alien, or ocean scene. When we subsuquently watched the movie, we were appalled at this re-make of the James Cameron classic.  Here we were all pumped to see Ed Harris look alikes descend into the deep, and instead we got a bunch of tossers getting all “epic” on the newest Colorado rawness.

Whatever.  This movie had everything you would expect from a Colorado bouldering video: gratuitous tick marks, drastic lowballs, easy looking v13′s, and Chris Schulte climbing compression problems. And it had NOTHING in common with the original Abyss. No submarines, no aliens, no Marinara Trench, and no crazy mustached dude suffering from the bends. VERY disappointing. It did have a distinct lack of Carlo Traversi, which we heartily applauded and made viewing more viable without any eyeball gouging and ear drum smashing. Cheers. We also thought we noticed a lack of women bouldering, until we saw that dude in the Adidas outfit. Even the original Abyss movie had at least ONE woman. And she was kind of a bad ass. SHE DIED. AND THEN CAME BACK TO LIFE.

There was also a clear un-Colorado element to this video: an attempt at community. Nice try fellas; you must be transplants. In case any viewers got the wrong impression that Colorado can be friendly and welcoming, check out the comments on lt11s Vimeo page or the discussion under the “ethics of development” thread over on b3bouldering.

Our favorite part of the video was were they told us how much work it is to develop and climb new boulders.  Aw! Poor guys! How tiring! Impressive efforts for sure; without which we would be low balling out some other granite turd.  Which brings me to our next point:  louder than eleven have proven that you can in fact polish a turd.  The amount of filler problems was staggering, but they showed how some fancy cuts and angles can make them enjoyable to watch.

What was also notable was it appeared that only Jon Glassberg was capable of anything over v10 . It’s cute how you saved all those moderate lines for your weaker friends… IS NO ONE ELSE OUT THERE CAPABLE OF SENDING THAT HARD? WHERE WAS DAVE WETMORE DURING ALL THOSE SENDS? HE CLIMBS V30 BLINDFOLDED WITH SOCKS ON HIS HANDS.

The climax of the movie was when Ben Spanuth (American Harry Potter/Adam Ondra wanna be) sport climbed a giant penis like feature at the top of a ridge. This was the only sport climb in a video that has the tagline “Americas Highest Bouldering.” Wait. What? The climax of the whole bouldering movie wasn’t a boulder problem? At least in the original Abyss movie, we got what we came for. ALIENS. Instead, we get a non fall, non wabbler ascent of a sport climb that no one will ever do again. Kinda like when Ed Harris went to the bottom of that trench to find aliens. NO ONES GOING TO DO THAT AGAIN.

Overall, this video was a step up from their last feature length flick.  Less Max and Carlo, more Dave Wetmore.  We might have a little crush… but seriously, a step up.  We liked the attempt at addressing some bigger issues beyond “why I climb”.  Congrats guys, and keep up the good work. Let’s just hope your next James Cameron remake involves Kate Winslets tits, or something comparable…

 

 

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